In the wake of a massive act of violence, Quakers rush to remind the world and each other that we have *always* been anti-violence. We share two hundred year old quotes superimposed on a picture of a candle. We talk about the power love has to drive out hatred.
That’s all lovely, but I am sick of it. I am sick to my stomach. I want to turn to my religion for comfort, and indeed there are many Quaker groups and individuals with whom I have found profound solace and solidarity. But if someone were to ask me, I would not be able to say that my religion unequivocally has my back. There are multiple branches of Quakerism, and we have not yet come to “unity” regarding our acceptance of LGBTQ people. Somehow, the jury is still out as to whether a religion based on there being that of God in each and every person can accept without hesitation individuals who identify as queer.
I need Quakers to tell me that they will not let me be killed because of my sexual orientation. I need my religion to stand up for me and my queer family. I need to hear that Quakers will no longer accept any excuse for discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation. I need to know that an LGBTQ person can walk into any Quaker Meeting in the world and be shown the love and acceptance that God teaches us belongs to every person.
There is a violence inherent in the silence surrounding the continued oppression of LGBTQ persons, one that we have been guilty of perpetuating. While we have been laboring in our Meetings about our personal discomfort, or our fear of alienating Friends by making a decisive statement about our acceptance of LGBTQ people, those people are being killed. Until Quakers take a unified stand for the lives of queer people, we are passively sanctioning this violence.
I cannot choose to not be gay. I need to hear that I can continue to choose to call myself a Quaker.
Things I Don't Like 
Looking at what is going on in NC I can understand what you are saying. My monthly meeting I do trust with my life. They are holding my wife’s and my marriage under its care and we feel well held. I pray that other Friends can look to the light instead of the word for leading. I admit, the light is often harder to follow just because it can be dim and hard to follow. Just shadows even tell you there is light. We have to be faithful to that light or we are all on our own. Blessings, Joan
Hi Joan,
I think at least some queer Friends feel safe and held by their local communities, but how can we all engage with other Quaker institutions to help our queer siblings feel safe and held throughout our religion, and so our religion is bringing about change, rather than waiting for people to see it? I believe Quakerism calls us to listen to the Spirit, but it also calls us to lovingly name when others aren’t, and the sin and violence of homophobia is definitely one of those times.
Peace,
Ben
I am a British Quaker and became Quaker precisely because of the testimony to equality which means EVERYONE, period. No ifs, ands and buts. No caveats of any kind. Equal means equal regardless of race, colour, gender, sexuality, financial or marital status. If anyone – and especially anyone claiming to be Quaker and to live by this most basic tenet of our life – claimed otherwise, I would give them some Quaker plain speaking on the matter. Anyone who wants to discriminate is more than welcome to join one of the many denominations who justify discrimination – take your pick.
Shame on us if we do not live by this most basic testimony. It beggars belief that people can do this and still be allowed to own the name Quaker.
In sorrow and with love
Hi Sue,
I think knowing that acceptance of our queer Friends is right and good isn’t enough to engage with our siblings who are homophobic–we also need love for them and understanding. I’m not sure we can move others by shame and showing them the door. What would work?
Peace,
Ben
I can choose to call myself a Quaker in Britain. It is less clear in the US, certainly not in Africa, but crystal clear in Great Britain.
Hi Clare,
Is it crystal clear? To me, that sounds like there isn’t any homophobia amongst British Friends at all, and that British Friends are working hard and effectively as led by the Spirit to help other Friends move past homophobia. Is that happening?
Peace,
Ben
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I am a white, middle aged, highly educated, heterosexual male, the living embodiment of white privillage, and I am also a practicing Quaker and I need to tell you, in the most emphatic way possible, that you must continue to call yourself a Quaker for my sake. My life and yours have been very, very different, and that is a great and wonderful thing. I want to talk to you and understand what your experiences have been so that they may enrich my life and my experience for the better. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not wish to misappropriate, corrupt, or belittle your experiences. I wish only to genuinely understand what you have lived through, the good and the bad, so that I may develop a greater appreciation for those who have had to so needlessly struggle for the respect and acceptance the should naturally receive. I believe that It is only through a wide diversity of opinions, experiences, and lifestyles (sorry for such a clumsy term) that we will grow as a faith community. We should never “tolerate” differences, but warmly embrace and accept them. We Quakers have a illustrious history of peace and acceptance, a history we should be so very proud of. But we should also remember that today’s action is tomorrow’s history and that we need to ceaselessly continue to uphold those proud traditions that have so faithfully served our community in the past.
I do not speak for the wider Quaker community, no one does, and I will not make you empty promises about what will come in the larger future of our faith, country, or world. All I can say is this – that I, Raymond Aucoin, of Watertown Massachusetts, will always be a shield for your life in the face of naked hatred and aggression. I will always support and cherish your family regardless of its makeup. I will always and loudly reject any form of discrimination that would limit your potential as a citizen and/or human being. And I will always, always have the seat next to me in Meeting open for you sit as my brother in the Light!
Hi Raymond,
I know that it’s tempting to ask queer Friends, Friends of color, and Friends who are not as privileged as we (for I too am straight, white, male, and cis) to show up and educate us on their experiences, but it’s important to remember that many of them are called to do that over and over, and it’s exhausting. There’s a lot of media out there–books, blogs, etc.–to help us understand these many experiences, and it’s important for us to learn proactively rather than await their teaching.
Good for you for detailing the ways that you are able and willing to offer support! May you find opportunities to express that often with queer Friends and other marginalized people.
Peace,
Ben
Hey, none of us human beings really get a choice about what some damfool might decide to do to us, just for breathing in the wrong place at the wrong time — no more than Jesus got to decide whether they’d hang him up to die for being uppity.
We don’t get to order “every Quaker Meeting in the world” around, either. When some of my Quaker friends and an assortment of homeless people were close to getting arrested for sleeping downstairs from City Hall here, one of our homeless friends told my wife, “If they put us in Las Colinas, I’ve got your back!” — but despite the woman’s good intentions, she really didn’t. (What really did save our butts from a cold, unpleasant night was the fact that one of us started singing ‘Amazing Grace’ and the rest of us joined in; and around that time the tv cameras showed up.
The ultimate force in the universe is good; the ultimate good has power (despite all the ugly stuff that sometimes needs to happen to awaken us all.) But it isn’t _our_ power, sorry!
Hi,
I think Hel’s not asking us to declare Quakerism accepting of queer Friends by fiat–that wouldn’t really eliminate the homophobia amongst Friends anyway. She’s asking us to make our religion truly safe for queer Friends, both in the places that seem to be accepting but sometimes aren’t, and the places that are avowedly homophobic.
I believe God provides us with opportunities to do His work. So in some sense, it is our power, at least when we are led by the Spirit. And I believe and have witnessed the Spirit working for the safety and succor of our queer Friends.
Peace,
Ben
“I need Quakers to tell me that they will not let me be killed because of my sexual orientation.”
There is no way that Quakers can do this. It cant be done by any religious, government, civic, family or any other group. It certainly cant be done by Quakers. There are what? Less than 100,000 Quakers in the U.S.? One small group can proclaim, lobby for and practice non-discrimination for LBGT people but they cant keep some nut from killing you. I am not gay but as a Quaker that has done as William Penn did and “put away my sword” I cant even keep myself from being killed by some nut.
But there can be a commitment to at least try. We wouldn’t expect Quakers to be able to do much in the way of crowd building but in the way of commitment and leadership, literally putting their bodies on that line. We have done it time after time. That there is a body of Quaker who want to read other Quaker out for supporting loving relationships is appalling and shatter.
What Joan said.
Dear Friend.
You will not hear what you seek.
Quakerism is now challenged by a real separation from the ‘that of God in all’ to the ‘that of God ‘ which is defined by the interpretations of those who honour exclusiveness by thinking they know the correct answer.
This is further endorsed by the lack of courageous behaviour by those of us who do not want to offend those who believe that they are able to tell us who or what God is.
And as you know… There is THAT book that some are using to justify oppressive and brutal practices against humanity.. Unlike Georgr Fox, they believe that they can justify injustice by their interpretation of that interpretation.
Let you and I and those who will , continue to speak out against injustice , remembering the part of the book that says ‘Hold fast to love and justice’! We must keep on walking boldly… Saying out loud and showing in our relationships ….’We might make mistakes, but we WILL keep on responding to ‘that of God’.
COURAGE!
Friends by and large have strong ideals, but they live in this world. In addition, the line between Friends and non-Friends is often blurred. I can hopefully tell you where Friends are reasonably satisfied with themselves, where we are stuck in molasses, and where we can make progress.
I worry about full integration and acceptance of people of color within FGC. I don’t worry so much about the LGBTQ (Intersex, Asexual) community. They’re us. When the work needs to get done, we don’t think about sexual orientation except on the rare occasions where it relates closely to the immediate task at hand. Truth in a religious sense is equally true for us all. FGC deliberately seeks out non-urban college campuses because a long time ago we had a couple of outsider anti-gay protesters on campus one day.
I don’t want any Friend to need to be violent in order to prove to the bullies that they’re not gay. At meeting none of us have any intention of being violent, so that no one’s cover needs to be blown if they’re still somewhat in the closet. The one thing that Friends simply can’t do well, even compared to the Baptists, Lutherans, etc. is be violent. Most of us have zero practice in shooting a gun, even if we could pick one up without qualms. Our meetings should be safe places. If bullies ever come after Friends they’re probably going to come after Quakers as a group for their pacifism.
New England YM continues to be angry about FUM’s policy which discriminates against gay/lesbian Friends in long-term relationships. After some thought on the issue, as a whole body we want to keep dialogue open with FUM in hope that their policy will eventually change. Midwestern Friends for the most part point to African Friends as the source of the discrimination. This is more a legacy of Africa than of Friends, but we need to deal with it.
We need to reach out especially to conservative faiths, at least to the people who will listen, and say that anyone’s committing discrimination/bullying on the basis of sexual orientation is an unholy concept. All of Christianity, Jewry and Islam needs to reject religion-based discrimination.
Yes, you’ll still find a couple of Friends in every yearly meeting who are discriminatory. A few people are ignorant and sometimes they are scared of being called out by some outside bullies, who consider the friend of a gay man to be possibly worse than a gay man. Friends by and large disapprove of such bullying.
Hi Paul,
I don’t think it’s a good idea for Quakers to ignore sexual orientation and other ways of being queer–these experiences and the oppressions that come with them are markedly different than being straight and cis in our society. It’s hard for me as a non-queer person to see sometimes, but there is much more that even the “accepting” portions of Quakerism can do to actually *be* accepting of queer Friends. Often we look at other regions of the world which are more avowedly homophobic and neglect to see the work we have to do right here. But there is work to do here, and it’s not about engaging with FGC or FUM or African Friends, but rather about listening to, supporting, and loving our queer Friends.
Peace,
Ben
You are most certainly a Friend.
If it helps, if I happened to be in the club that night, I would have tried to stop the gunman, and died if necessary. I was not there, so I could not affect change. I would have done this – not because I’m a Quaker – but because it’s the right thing to do. Pacifism does not mean we don’t act to stop violence. It simply means we don’t start violence and we don’t use violence to stop violence.
No 200 year, 100 year, or whatever quotes from me. Just an affirmation that I am with you, because we come from the same Light and I will not let another of my fellow humans take life away from my fellow humans if I have any capacity to stop it.
Hi David,
I hope I would have done the same.
I guess the question is, given that we weren’t in that club, what can we do here and now? How can we help our meetings be brave in the same way, both when the violence towards our queer Friends is clear and dramatic, and also when it’s harder, when the violence is subtle, difficult to name, difficult to even see, or even coming from us ourselves?
Peace,
Ben
I am deeply saddened to say this, but probably your desire can never be meet. I think the problem is in forgetting that earthly ‘religions’ — of any type — are simply religious institutions run by people. That means those institutions are subject to the same earthly faults and prejudices that are found in people; all of us.
However, I need to point out that Quakerism is predicated upon a personal relationship with God, who speaks directly to us with a small still voice, and who has left a direct awareness of God inside us — our Inner Light. Religious leaders, committee members, and other Friends are not part of that pipeline; God speaks directly to you. It is not a bucket-brigade — it is you and God and no one in-between.
Isn’t that the point Fox made? No institution or religious figure between the individual and God? And isn’t that the point made by the Messiah? To bridge the gap between the believer and God? When dealing with earthly institutions, one always has to deal with earthly prejudices. Those same institutions do not consider the loss of a single person, even a number of people, to be a horrific thing. As long as the tithe level is stable, they see it as business as usual.
Luckily for us, the same cannot be said for God. God does not want to lose a single person. And God doesn’t care how bad a person has been, what their political beliefs are, or their sexual identity. God just loves the person and wants to hold them close. And that IS the bottom line.
As for me, personally, I cannot and will not judge you for any reason whatsoever. IF you have sins, it is between you and God, and your forgiveness could not be greater than that given to me. I refuse to use descriptors in front of the word, ‘person.’ To me, each (— fill the blank —) person is just a PERSON and is equal before God, loved by God, and valued by God. What right do I have to educate God about proper feelings towards anyone?
I hope you remain a Quaker; I can’t conceive of being any other faith. But my opinion has no value; you have to listen to the small still voice in your own heart and follow your own Inner Light. Just know that I consider myself your brother, I stand with you, cry with you, hold you close in my heart, and defend you. And you already know what I offer is nothing compared to what God can provide. I know to the core of my being that God wants to hold you, comfort you, heal your broken heart and love you. If God loves you, how can I do anything less?
You’ll probably never get any religious faith to promise your requests. But, what are you really asking for? Acceptance? Love? Value? You already have that and always have. It doesn’t matter what religious institutions or leaders have to say. The one person that matters, the only person that matters, has already taken you into their hands and given you your answer.